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I was raised Christian, of a Protestant denomination. Well, actually it was non-denominational. I was raised as a Calvanist. Even before my wife was diagnosed with cancer, we both looked at the world and wondered at our beliefs. We found an array of things concerning. First among them was the concept of “his will” and… Continue reading No, I’m Not an Effing Christian
The strangest of her things have special meaning to me now. For the last half year or so of her life my wife couldn’t put on her own socks, so I always put them on for her. I can’t bear to throw those socks away. Same thing goes for her favorite t-shirts. It’s been about… Continue reading Not Able to do Anything with Her (or His) Stuff?
I remember working with family on genealogy and wondering about times where a person would pass away within a few months of their spouse. I had no idea. But now it’s obvious. I have LOTS of things going for me. I have good friends. I have caring family. Yet I still struggle daily with the… Continue reading Every Day is a Struggle
I’ve been going to group therapy sessions for the last year or so after the passing of my wife. In that time, I’ve listened to an array of people there, and in my public life tell me about their relationships with their spouses, and frankly, none of them know how I feel. I don’t know… Continue reading No, You Don’t Know How I Feel
I still feel terrible. I feel so guilty about everything. I see her in every thing I do, and I still think she’ll be there at some point. Then, I KNOW that she won’t. I’ll remember the time she was there. I’ll KNOW that she won’t be there again. I was a better person with… Continue reading Wow, It’s Been a More than a Year
It’s almost one year after her passing, and I’m not sure I’m doing any better now than I was a year ago. Immediately after her passing I was numb. I’m not sure what I felt. At the time I did my best to push my emotions down. I didn’t want to cause my wife any… Continue reading The First Year Anniversary
Look mummy, there’s an aeroplane up in the sky OohDid you see the frightened ones?Did you hear the falling bombs?Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when thePromise of a brave new world unfurled beneath a clear blueSky? OohDid you see the frightened ones?Did you hear the falling bombs?The flames are… Continue reading Well, Fuck
I am so lonely. I was that way for many years before meeting my wife and she filled a void so huge that my life changed overnight. I knew the night of our first date that I wanted to marry her. And I did. But now that she is gone, can I exist? I’ve lived… Continue reading I’m So Sad Without Her
There is no divine power in prayer, but only the power in the personal comfort that the prayer feels. I’m not discounting that power, as this belief and the comfort felt are valuable things. In fact, I envy those who feel comforted by this. I regret that I feel no comfort from prayer. If prayer… Continue reading The Power of Prayer